Behind the Smile

My morning started off great...until I talked to my best friend.

The post I wrote yesterday has not happened yet. I wrote that post to put my dream into words. When I told my best friend about applying for the job, the first thing out of his mouth was "you know that job is very demanding, you don't even have that much experience in promotions". Hearing that from him made me lose hope. If my best friend doesn't believe in me, why would anyone else?

What he said ruined the rest of my day. After speaking to him, I started asking myself: Why didn't I stay in school and finish"? Why didn't I stay at the news radio station...at least I was in the promotions department"? What will I do if I don't get a new job and I have to stay at this current station for years?

I don't like the woman that I am when I'm unhappy. I have to admit though I put on this smile, the truth is...I am not over/through my depression.

I still have those days when I hit the reverse button and fall right back into the black hole of thinking I'm a nobody.
In my prayers today I asked G-d to please show me what joy is. I don't want to feel empty inside. I don't want to be a disappointment to my kids. I don't want to struggle. I don't want to remain single. I want to be happy, but the things I want may not be in G-ds plan. Maybe you don't feel joy until you die? I don't know...

There can't be sunshine everyday, so I guess today is a rainy day for me. Today I've given myself a pass to feel bad about me and my life. Today I don't feel pretty, today I don't feel smart, today I feel unsuccessful, today I feel like I've failed myself and my babies, today I just don't like being me.

My tears will dry,
Truth