Finding the Truth

I have a 10 year old. Wow...I can't believe my Bunny is 10! She has pimples and everything...I have a tween daughter, its time to have the talk cause soon my babygirl will be starting her period....WOW!

Years ago, I set a goal for myself and college. I always dreamed of being the 1st person in my family to graduate from college. I also told myself to go back to college when Bunny turned 13. That way I wouldn't have to worry about who would watch them because children can legally stay home by themselves at the age of 13 in Md. Ok, so I tried to rush it and go back early and I don't know if I was going to college for other people or really doing it for myself.

I remember the 1st time I talked to my father after I had my kids. His first questions were, did you graduate from college and was I married? Both answers were "no". Those are only 2 of the reasons my father has no relationship with us, we haven't accomplished anything in his eyes. In Nigeria, education is most important and you damn sure don't have kids before marrige. This is America so damn all that. It is what is is!

My mother always stressed the importance of graduating because she never had the chance to do it. Bringing us from Trinidad was difficult enough and once we came to America, I don't think her education was high on her priority list. I don't want to be my mom but I'm not sure if I'm going back to school for my father, my mother, my kids or myself. I've always wanted to be the child they could be proud of. I want my father to turn on the TV and see me. A successful SINGLE mother. I want my mother to be able to brag to her friends about. I want my kids to be proud of me because we never needed a man to "make" our family or support us. We are successful with or without one. The things that will make me happy, make others happy, but I want my success to make me happy first then trickle down to my family.

I have to figure out what is going to make me happy and not only do it for my family, but do it because it brings me joy. Working in TV sales, doesn't make me happy, it brings me no joy. So why do I do it? Because my mother is proud that she has a daughter that works for XYZ station. She can tell her friends that and smile. My kids go tell there friends, watch my mommies station. They feel good about where I'm at, but I don't. I did it for the name of the station, just to say, hey, I work there. News tv/radio was never my thing. My thing was entertainment tv/radio...like BET (when it was a good station) or WPGC. Now I wondering if I bust my tail and do all the work to get into an entertainment station, will I be happy there? Will my life turn into me jumping from job to job to find my fit? I need to figure out exactly who I am before I can clearly see the vision of who I will become. How does one find themselves?

Going through a quarter-life crisis,
Truth