To Get To Where I'm Going

I have to leave the past behind me.

My past is full of hurt, disappointment and pain. I could go years back, but I'll start with how my life made a change for the worse to make a change for the better.

I never wanted kids until I got pregnant. Now two kids later; my little family has been through so much. I think how my life would be different if I didn't have kids. I even think how my kids lives would be different if I waited until I was a "grown woman" to have them.

When the times get so hard, I feel like I'm doing my kids a dis-service, like they deserve so much better than what they have been given. My kids don't have a dad, its just me.

I've dealt with severe depression and never really got time to heal because how can a single mother be depressed? Who would take care of my kids?

4/4/07: I had a nervous breakdown. The next week I went to see a psychologist. My last session he told me that he thought placing me in the psych ward/hospital would be best. Even though I knew I needed the help, I had to wonder what would happen to my kids when I was getting it. I never went back to therapy. My doctor called me, sent the police to my home and called everyone on my contact list, but never heard from me again.

6/11/07: I quit my job. No, two week notice, just a simple email the day of. I didn't have another job but I just couldn't take it anymore! The job I had was making my depression worse, I let the people get to me by making me feel like I was nothing, a nobody.

Day after day, I fought to be the regular me. I would love myself some days, hate myself the others. I would cry everyday, look myself in the mirror and tell myself how disgusted I was to be me. I distanced myself from everyone. Stopped answering my phone and the only time I went outside was to drop/pick the kids up from school. Going outside = problems, staying in = problems. I wanted to hurt myself and hurt my kids. I was desperately seeking someone to help me get my kids away before my story ended up on the news but there was no help.

I called my local Department of Social Services, the social worker informed me it was cheaper to keep them. Help for a depressed mother would cost at least $1200 a month. I couldn't afford it, even when I was working!

I asked my family mother/sister to keep the kids. I was going to go to Texas for a while and get my mind right, have a little time for myself. My mother told me, when you had kids you gave up your right to time for yourself.

So I had to get my mind right and keep evil thoughts out of my head. I was battling REAL demons ya'll. I didn't believe they existed until April 07, they were succeeding in taking me apart. Those parent you see on the news that have done the worse possible things to their children are really sick, things they say are not a joke. I heard the voices, when I looked at my kids I didn't see them, I saw demon like creatures. While driving I would hallucinate, making me want to drive straight into another vehicle or anything else that would end all of our lives. I was filled with anger and sadness, angry and sad that I couldn't do more for my family.

I know some people may read this and either be scared away by my story or want to insult me and call me names. Either way, I don't care. I'm still looking forward to my success and I know that my kids are happy. I have forgiven myself and G-d has forgiven me. Now, I am baring it all and this is part of my healing process.

Bruised but not Broken,
Truth Hurts